THE 1994 “LITTLE MAC” AWARDS

Well, it is, once again, time to put the slime to the crime. It was a year in which people who normally feel put out to leave a 5¢ tip for a $50 meal invested thousands of dollars for cards you KNOW will be worth the paper they’re printed on ten years from now; a year in which the Andon folks did their very best to make it look like there was absolutely no one attending Origins San Diego (and they were almost right); and a year which saw Avalon Hill decide they were focusing on Computer games; no, they’re focusing on crossover board games; no, they’re focusing on cards; no, they’re focusing on computer games; no, they’re … what are they focusing on this week? Next year it promises to get even better. But for now, take a look back at some of the Nadirs of Yesteryear.

A Cornea Transplant from El Greco… for Joe Miranda and his maps, which ranged from the bizarre - his pseudo-Ptolemaic renditions of the ancient world - to the non-existent, his map of Solferino, which would be unrecognizable by anyone who was ever in that area of the world. Maybe Joe should put his terrain on chits and have the players draw to see where they’re going.

A Plastic Model Kit of The Hindenberg … to Decision Game’s own Doc Indecision, for attempting to reduce truly unwanted inventory by handing out freebie copies of Zeppelin at the doors of Origins ‘94. Maybe that’s what kept everyone away!

The “Gee, Has Keith Heard of This One Yet?” Award … to Chester Hendrix, a gamer who has been around longer than Agatha Christie’s “The Mousetrap”, for charging his playtesters $25 to keep their playtest copy of his Bastogne or Bust, a game which eventually lived up to the second half of its title. Rumor has it that, for his next event, Chester will be charging for errata phonecalls. Well, Bill Gates does it, doesn’t he?

A Free Copy of the Movie “Repo Man” to …Gary Stigliano who, a year after it appeared in BROG, wrote to request a copy of the review of his GRD game, A Winter War …. He also asked for the review copy of the game back. Unfortunately, we had fed it to the BROG House Rats, both of whom passed on to Rodent Heaven a short while after.

The “El Cummino Unreal” Spellchecker of the Year Award … to Beth Queman, Queen of Computer Graphics, for leaving the “b” out of “Gettysburg” on the Fateful Lightning map. It says a lot that an amazing number of people - including all the XTR proofreaders - never noticed it. It also helps move the eye away from what was easily the ugliest map of the year.

Three Kerns in the Font-ain … to the GameFix Armchair Genital, Dave Wood, who, while assigning himself the not-truly-vacant hobby position of Arbiter of All That Matters, deigned to inform us, endlessly, that the only thing that really mattered in wargaming was the size of your Font. BROG, for one, was quite happy to see him around, as it diverted to California most of the hate-mail that had been heading east.

A Chance to Pose for the Boxcover of the Upcoming Avalon Hill Game, “Look at the Schmuck on the Camel!” (Ed. we’re not kidding here!!) … to our dear friend, Ty Bomba, who, in print, on America on Line, proudly and defiantly proclaimed that he “… presents a well-rounded, Phallic-integrated personality.” Most of the AoL readers instantly translated that phrase for what it truly meant. (We do point out, though, that Ty did have the grace to admit that he’d really stuck out his … uh … neck on that one.)

And our annual Keith Poulter Section …

The Chester Hendrix Award … to KP for shipping out, to his pre-paid customers, Barbarians with a Photostatted, first-draft copy of the rules. YOU got to pay $40 to become a member of the 3W Playtester Network of Fools. Considering that Keith lifted the game whole cloth from the old GDW Eagles, it’s amazing he even thought it needed ANY playtesting. He never thought that way about any of his other trash.

A Copy of Bartlett’s Familiar Quotations, Autographed by David Merrick … to KP, for

•• Showing you could Lie when supposedly quoting others, by using a quote ascribed to one “R.Berg” extolling the virtues of 3W products. KP coyly - and illegally - fails to identify that that “R.Berg” was not this R.Berg.

•• Showing that you could Lie when Quoting yourself, as he did about his own games, with such lines as “best game I've played”, and “ … after 12 months of playtesting.”

And, at last, the Award for which you have all been waiting:

“The Georgie”, for Little Mac’s Worst Game of Year: The nominees for 1994 are:

•• Alma, by Rob Markham, a 3W Lack of Design. A game of defensive position which had no rules benefiting the defense. And nothing benefiting the player

•• Assassin, by Chris Bayliss, more evidence of lack of focus from Avalon Hill. Ever get stuck in Madrid with a bicycle? Ever get locked in a closet with Dave Wood? Ever feel like assuming the title role somewhere in Baltimore? This game does all three.

•• Ironsides, by Rob Markham, more Industrial Waste from Cambria. A game that, obviously, no one had ever played. Both before and after.

•• Thapsos, by Bill Banks, as GameFix leads with a sucker punch. Why not just roll one die; high number wins? I also liked the “guest” appearance of the Mediterranean, inland.

And the winner is …

Rob Markham’s, but mostly 3W’s, Ironsides. Easily the most unplayable game of the year, and further proof that Keith not only doesn’t care what he puts in the box, he doesn’t even KNOW what he puts in the box.