THE 1992 "LITTLE MAC" AWARDS
Here he is,
once again
smiling up from the Tar Pits of History, our own Totem of
Disaster, George B. McClellan. He's had a year to ferret out the most egregious
blunders, the most inane remarks, and the biggest wastes of time and
energy. It hasn't been easy, with his
eyes constantly focused on Fresno and Cambria. However, there were no dearth of
candidates, as several people were intent on proving that it didn't take talent
to be a Mule's Behind.
A Specially Built Toilet Seat from the Pentagon
for Terry Shrum, former FGA Plagiarist-sans-pareil,
who claimed that it cost FGA $900 to
have him post a three-page message on GEnie. Terry obviously graduated Summa
Cum Ballsa from the School of Skim and Scam. Hey, Terry, call for you from
Keating at the Lincoln Bank!
A tape of Mel Brooks saying, "Ain't It Great To Be King!"
to Ty Bomba, who, when
informed that the BROG #1 reference to David Duke was not to him, but to
the "alternate history" games and their "
milieu",
responded, "I am their
fucking milieu." (Sorry, all you Family Value Folks, but it IS a quote.)
Ah, Ty, "
Le Jeu, c'est Toi." This is one would-be-Louis who's been
in the sun too long.
A Swim off the Stern of the Exxon Valdez
to Keith Poulter and 3W, for
possibly the strongest, My-Doctor-Said-Mylanta graphic and visual performance
in the industry since, since
well since Keith Poulter and 3W were laying
about with "The Wargamer". Remember the maps for House of Sa'ud
and that unnamed Stalingrad epic? You do, huh. Well, then you stayed
away from such Disposable Waste as the counters for Napoleon's Later Battles
and virtually anything and everything in the Campaigns of the Civil War
box. The map and general production for Clash of Arms' Chancellorsville
was a close contender for this award, for which we extend them Dishonorable
Mention.
A Box of Strawberries, some Steel Balls, AND AN APPOINTMENT WITH DR.
LOUTSCH
to The
"Staff" of FGA's now, and thankfully, defunct, "Boardgame
Journal" for its, and their, endless, ad nauseam, contributions
to the literature of paranoia. It took them about a year to find that, truly,
Nobody Cared. Singing Captain Queegs,
stage left
dancing Queegs behind the piano.
The "Hey, Tojo, Take a Load off your Mind" AWARD
to 3W's Tarawa, which
included, as a key terrain feature, the Japanese outdoor, over-water privies
that ringed the island. The feature pretty much expressed the general level of
production at 3W.
The P.T. Barnum trophy
to Gene Moyers, who actually paid money to
"buy" FGA. If it was more
than $11.95, he was taken. Say, Gene, I have these shares in Burma Mines
.
A Videotape of "The Ugly American"
to Winston Hamilton, Mr.
GRD/Europa, for constantly referring to
the German dealers and gamers at the 1992
European Game Spectacular Convention as "Krauts". Could have
been worse; it could have been Kenya.
A "PLANNED PARENTHOOD" Protest, and a Visit from Lt.
Ripley
to, again, Keith
Poulter, and his 3W publishing schedule. Not since "Aliens" have
we seen such an alarmingly dangerous production rate, nor one so threatening to
the public's health. Blood tests have shown that Rob Markham is the father.
A Photostated Copy of the Hitler Watercolors
to John Lowery, the cover artist
for Thunderhaven's Red Christmas, assuredly the worst box cover EVER
seen
yes, even worse than that for King of Kings
a drawing so
phallic, so crude, so juvenile, and so devoid of perspective or talent that to
label it Study Hall Art would be to defame the latter. You know how bad it is?
I don't think Perry Moore would use it
that's how bad it is.
A STYROFOAM
STATUETTE OF GOOFY
to
both Alan Emerich and Harold Johnson. Alan forgot to bring the names of the
winners of the 1991 Charles Roberts Awards to Origins, couldn't remember them,
and then couldn't get ahold of anyone who did know. It turned out it wasn't
much of a loss, as half the "winners" turned out to be such creative,
bland nonentities that NOT announcing them was a blessing. All Harold did was
to so screw up the balloting for the 1991 GAMA Awards that they were eventually
postponed indefinitely, as was Harold's tenure as overseer of that function.
A Soggy Raincheck and another Trip to Madison Avenue
to Gene Billingsley, for
having GMT run ads for Great Battles of
Alexander six months after they had sold out. I think they're still
running.
A Visit from Dexter Manley
to the offices of Decision Games, so that Dexter
can make sure their SpellChecker is working. It was a year in which Decision
spelled virtually every name wrong on the BagQuad counters, and a year in which
they insisted they were publishing a game entitled "Caesar in Gall"
(followed, I suppose, by "Mark Antony up the Bile")
all crowned by
spelling their own company name wrong -
"Deceision" [sic] - in a large-type, in-house ad. The NY Times
recently insisted that the Philistines were the height of ancient,
Middle-Eastern culture. They obviously never saw these philistines.
THE "OZZY OSBORNE" GAME AND A DATE WITH JUDAS PRIEST
to Lorraine Williams, Dragon Queen of TSR, for
removing the Emperor's HQ guillotine display at Origins/GenCon, ostensibly
because it was "tacky" and violence-inducing. TSR's "suits"
obviously felt that pseudo-Franzetta bimbettes, drooling, blood- covered orcs
(the paintings, not the staff
well, not ALL of the staff) and "Cruel
Doubt" lawsuits were Middle America. See the next award.
An official 1899, Cleveland Spiders Baseball Cap
to the TSR Legal Staff,
which seems intent on equalling the Spiders' classic 20-134, W-L record. They
have a lot of catching up to do. Latest
triumph? Their handling of the Todd Fischer/Emperor's HQ guillotine
fiasco. These shysters are so adept at losing they could qualify as an NHL
expansion franchise.
And a Hat
Trick, folks!!
Two Seasons Tickets in the Bob Uecker section at Milwaukee County
Stadium: To the
perpetrators of GenCon '92 - TSR - for shuttling every non-TSR activity
into corners of The Mecca that not even bloodhounds could locate, for trying to
pre-buy and tie up most of the hotel rooms in the area, and for claiming most
of the convention floor was sold out when it wasn't. Condescension,
Abrasiveness, Supercili-osity (?) and a general Lack of Intelligence are NOT
the four cornerstones of Public Relations, folks
although they do appear to
be so for TSR corporate policy.